Exceedingly long time, no rant. It’s been a quite month, so forgive me, please. But I’m back and cranky as always. Today’s rant is courtesy of Michael. Not in a bad way, just he sort of started the whole ball rolling. I was sitting at my computer talking about Christmas (Bah hummybug) with Juleah when out of nowhere Michael yells:
NOBODY CARES!
Of course I immediately wonder what the hell I did to piss him off. But it turns out that it wasn’t me at all. Apparently there’s a Dateline special on the whole Tiger Woods debacle and he was yelling at the TV that nobody cares. And given my own private poll, 100% agree with that. Nobody cares. (Granted my poll was rather exclusive, considering it was me and Kellie and Juleah, but it’s a poll and I stand by my numbers damn it. Of my friends who are at home on Friday night with nothing better to do than talk to me, which I think reflects a good chunk of the population: Nobody cares!
Really the only place I care much about celebs is on Go Fug, which is like the best celebrity fashion blog ever, the Fug girls are HILARIOUS and there is not better place for your daily dose of celeb nips, sartorial missteps, and heavy sarcasm. If Tiger Woods isn’t wearing a fur stole and a pink tutu while dancing to Miley Cyrus, I couldn’t care less what he’s doing. And as when I see him he’s usually wearing a boring white polo and khakis or slacks, he wouldn’t be much fun to see on Go Fug anyway.
But really, who CARES about who–or for that matter WHAT–Tiger Woods is sleeping with. As Kellie pointed out, he’s a sports star, why do his morals even MATTER? Does sleeping with his wife directly influence his ability to sink difficult puts? Does extra side nookie take yards off a drive? Does molesting underage goats (disclaimer: I have not even heard rumors that Tiger Woods sleeps with goats, of an age or not, this is solely here for the point of effect1) cause him to slice or hook?
Why does it matter who he’s sleeping with, and where, and when, and for how many jelly beans?! (I dibs the sour apple ones! And the Cold Stone Creamery ones if the beans in question are from Jelly Belly.)
I’m not sleeping with him! I have no intention of sleeping with him. So give me one good reason why I should give a rat’s ass WHO he’s sleeping with or why?
I figure the only people that information is important to is the people who are sleeping with him. As we’ve just established that ain’t me. And even if I were bound and determined to sleep with Tiger Woods (which the closest I’m likely to ever come is falling asleep with the TV on while the PGA tour is on some other station than the one I’m watching.) I would only start to care about who he’s shagging when it’s very likely I’m next.
His morals do not matter. Sure, he’s yet another squeaky clean celeb (doubly so a squeaky clean BLACK celebrity) who has fallen victim to the the excesses of fame. Which is sad, because I think the world needs more celebs who don’t have sex tapes or mistresses or rape charges or beat up their girlfriends.
But do I think this whole thing is so NOT newsworthy. When Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone would have 15 minutes of fame I don’t think he meant by fucking someone. Go forth, do good things, and if fame comes, okay, great. Don’t go earning yourself a name on your back–or god forbid on a bondage machine–with some guy who earned his celebrity the hard way.
The only thing I think that is the slightest bit amusing about this whole Tiger Woods thing is the mental image, if Mr. Woods were sleeping with goats is the mental image of some newscaster in a pen with goats trying to interview the friends and family of the goat in question:
“And you, sir–er–ma’am you’ve known the goat for how long? Larry, is that a boy goat or a girl goat? Hey! Don’t chew on my microphone! Oh god, what did I just step in? Does my expense account cover getting goat smell out of my suit?! LARRY, get me outta here!”
And on that note, I shall leave you.
1. I do not want to end up on 60 Minutes as someone with inside information on Tiger’s steamy affair with a nubile young goat.
Tags: goats, golf, Sex and celebrity, stupid news
“And as when I see him he’s usually wearing a boring white polo and khakis or slacks …”
Clearly, Andavri, you do not watch enough professional golf. If you did, you would know that Tiger always shows up for the last day of a tournament wearing a RED polo and BLACK slacks.
… Yes, I am ashamed that I know that.
I have better things to do with my bloody time than watch professional golf. Who the fuck cares about chasing a little white ball around a big green field with a bent stick? Put some fights in it, a guy just running along and knocking another guy off his feet cause he can and I’ll think about watching professional golf.
You can keep your golf. I’ll be watching hockey.
*nods* Yes.. Yes… Yes…
Not that I watch sports anyway… I’d rather curl up to a cheesy made for tv movie with a bowl of popcorn or ice cream on hand… Mmm… banana split.
Although, it it did turn out that he was sleeping with goats, I might be a little more interested in the story…
Ahhh… not it it… if it.