Numb

God it feels good to be ranting again. I love me a good rant. It all started innocently enough. I was just sitting here talking with Kellie and Juleah about my new blog, always fun, huh? And then what should appear in my inbox but my Sony newsletter pimping… Guess? You’ll never guess. (Okay you might but there’s no fun in it.) …

The Stepfather

Okay, I’ll admit: I’m usually against remakes. Sometimes, you know, things are better the second time around, I can’t think of much, but there are a few things. But most of the time: no! I mean I even prefer the Bob Dylan version of All Along The Watchtower, which I think makes me UnAmerican…

So, take one b-movie add 22 years, give it gender reassignment surgery and Voila! You have regurgitated Hollywood crap. I mean the movie was actually based on real life events, but so was Psycho. Was it any better with Vince Vaughn and Anne Heche? I mean Vince Vaughn? Fuck me that would make one fucking ugly chick. Anthony Perkins at least could have been a girl. Vince Vaughn in drag… looks like Vince Vaughn in drag! (Otherwise known as Ass. And not like Elijah Wood’s ass, but like George Wendt’s ass with a tattoo of Liza Minnelli.)

But I digress. The Stepfather, which, yes I have seen, was stupid the first time. Do you REALLY mean to tell me that just because it now stars Penn Bagdley from Gossip Girl it’s going to be a wonderful piece of cinematography that will be cherished and studied for years like Citizen Kane? Somehow I doubt it. Besides half of what made the first one cool was the girl trying to outsmart the homocidal maniac. (Played awesomely–and spookily–by Terry O’Quinn.) If I were a guy, especially one with any kind of musculature, if it turned out my stepfather were a homocidal maniac? I’d like club him with a bat until he stopped moving. Or would a golf club have less wind resistance?

But again, I digress. But he’s a guy, a tiny bit more capable of taking another guy on in an even fight. I mean not that I think girls can’t fight guys, cause they can, but when do you see a girl fighting a guy in a horror movie, usually they just run screaming from him–but then again so do the guys.

I’m reminded of what Germaine said in one episode of Foamy. (Much LOVE for the squirrel!!!) She was talking about horror movie chicks and the clichés about them–and how if a serial killer were out to kill her, she’d kick him in the nuts repeatedly. Or offer to give him a blowjob. As she points out what guy is going to chop the head off a chick who’s sucking his dick? Although in the opening scenes of Disturbing Behavior, Andy Effkins does snap Mary Joe’s neck while she’s sucking him off.

But that’s more cause, um, well, sex makes people go crazy in that movie… And in real life, shall we consider David Parker Ray? I know, I know, I am well aware that I’m nuts. You might be asking yourself: How does she know about all this stuff? Five words: The Internet and Investigation Discovery. (The latter being a TV Channel with a bunch of “freaky” according to my brother shows on it. *thumbs up*) But that’s really not the point here. In most cases I think not running would kind of get the bad guy to leave you alone. And if not, carry around a golf club as my brother often does.

So while I was ranting about the fact that I somehow doubt that this version of the Stepfather would be any better to Juleah and Kellie, I was looking for a book–that I used to own but cannot seem to locate anywhere, apparently it’s out of print or something. And in looking for that I happened to be on a website for all things horror. You know, books, movies, music, etc. And I followed a link about Zombie strippers, kind of figuring I had to be reading things wrong.

Nope! In Chicago sometime this month (just looked again on the 14th) there is going to be this zombie strip show. I kid you not Night of the Stripping Dead. There’s going to be a zombie burlesque show, a zombie pinup pageant, and zombie strippers! *two thumbs up*

WTF?! What is WRONG with people, the last thing I want to see is Zombies taking their clothes off–even if they’re really not zombies but strippers in clear heels and zombie make-up, I don’t wanna see it! Zombies should put more clothes on, usually. With some Zombies the clothes may be the only thing holding the girls on if you know what I mean. And if you do want to see it, please allow me to club you with a golf club until you stop moving.

Normally I have no problems with Zombies or with strippers (not that I really want to see strippers, not my thing, but it doesn’t bother me.) I mean I am all for Zombies, everything–except breakfast–is better with Zombies, well and now strippers. But the two should never go together.

So what does it all mean? I guess it means that some people (movie studios) need to be MORE creative and some people (whoever came up with the idea of Zombie strippers) needs to be a lot less creative.

~Andavri~

Tags: Foamy, horror movies, remakes, strippers, The Stepfather, Vince Vaughn, zombies

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 1st, 2009 at 9:47 pm and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.