Numb

A perfectly good musing and you didn’t write it down and then you can only remember bits and pieces of it later? As much as I like the sound of my own “voice” I didn’t want to get up at 5AM and write down my thoughts this morning, I wanted to get some sleep. But it was a really interesting the things I was thinking about.

What I remember most clearly though was about fetishes and the pancake bunny.

I find fetishes interesting. I don’t exactly know what mine are, I’ve never really found anything that I’m that into… I can tell you I’m not much into S&M, mostly cause I’m too lazy to be a good top and too bad at taking directions without smarting off to be a good bottom. Besides I have zero pain tolerance and I’m claustrophobic.

Pretty much everything I can think of, I have no real interest in, I could take or leave. Which kind of messes up my theory that most people have a fetish, you know? Maybe I do and I just don’t know it. Maybe it’s really out there and I just haven’t been exposed to it. But really, if I haven’t figured out something I can’t live without by now, can I really not live without it?

To quote the great George Carlin: These are the kinds of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.

Which brings me to my second topic. The pancake bunny.

I don’t know why this image flashed into my head this morning. I was just trying to relax and stop thinking about fetishes which was just making my head hurt. Michael shared this one with me as a good way to deal with a troll on one of the forums I’m a part of. He also told me to put up the Swedish Chef? You know from the Muppets? Because this particular troll is Swedish, but I thought that was kind of insulting and stereotypical, which I try to avoid being, even to trolls.

From the pancake bunny, after I’d gone to the bathroom and filled my glass of water back up, I came back in my room and laid back down, and then started thinking about vampires. Not as disconnected as it might have seemed from fetishes as there are a bunch of barely pubescent girls who are REALLY into vampires right now. Now I like vampires. I’m not going to say I don’t. I like vampire movies, I like good books about vampires, which I’ll say Twilight isn’t. I’ve been stuck on page 67 for seven months now. I don’t dislike it–I don’t like it, I am in a complete and utter state of “meh” on the subject. I can tell you, though, Stephenie Meyer can’t write.

But here I am getting off the topic again. I do that a lot, as you’ll find, my thoughts just sort of wander and lead me to places I don’t even know how I got to. I call it the “Oooh, shiny” thought pattern. It’s like “Think think think, Oooh, something shiny! *Thoughts shoot to the side* think think think Oooh, something shiny! et hoc genus omne” See there I did it again.

The interesting thing about vampires is that there was a while there where they were basically an allegory homosexuality. Specifically, male on male homosexuality. If the vampire and the poor schlub being bitten were both men then the vampire was both asserting his dominance over the man and invading his body unnaturally. Read Dracula with an eye toward that line of thought… Of course vampires have pretty much always been sexual. Which is why they’re so bad right? Because sex is bad or so we were taught.

Which to dart back down the path of Twilight for a second, is why–other than he sparkles–Edward is so damn pussified. “Oh, we don’t bite people, we only bite animals.” Sure, then suck off a sheep, that’s perfectly okay.

… Somehow I think I said something wrong there, but as I’m not sure what, I’ll leave it…

But seriously though, folks, I get that women write men more as we want them to be than as they really are. (Which is nothing new look at women in literature over the course of history and tell me how often the women really seem realistic) But, honestly, lemme give you an analogy: Say that you have a handful of Jello (Don’t look at me like that) and that Jello is any perfectly normal human urge. While it’s just sitting on your hand it’s in a state of acceptance. You’re acknowledging that you have the urge. Now close your hand, the Jello’s gonna start oozing out between your fingers, off the side of your palm. The act of closing your hand is the act of repressing that human urge. But the urge doesn’t go away just because you closed it off, it escapes. And the more violently you squeeze the jello, the faster it escapes and with more force. Think about it.

So, the problem with Edward Cullen is more or less he’s got no real place for his urges to go. And he can’t just not have them. Doesn’t work that way, you can’t wish away the bad parts, if that worked then the Catholic church would have long since rid us of any idea of sex for fun. They wouldn’t have to do female circumsions in Africa and sew people’s crotches shut.

Sure, one out of say every twenty guys won’t try to grope you in the theatre, but half of those guys are gay, the other half have enough self control that they go home and grope themselves like you wouldn’t grope them. Okay, okay, I’m generalizing. But seriously.

I know I am just as guilty of putting what I want into a guy as anyone else, but I try, god do I try, to add in a little realism. I’ll close with a paraphrasation of something Denis Miller said in his millenium special. (A paraphrasation because it’s been a while since I saw it and can’t remember it verbatim) Dad took Mary Anne to the soda shoppe, watched her suck a vanilla shake up a long straight straw between her ruby red lips, took her home, chastely kissed her cheek, then went home and finished off the evening with the underwear section of the Sears catalog.

Think about it.

Tags: Edward the vampire, fetishes, sexuality, the pancake bunny, Twilight, vampires

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 3rd, 2009 at 5:11 pm and is filed under Musings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.