In the commercial it says that Extenze are scientifically proven to make larger a “certain part of the male body”. The phrasing makes me immediately want to chime in with “the ego?” But I assume they mean the penis. I mean I understand that some men don’t have much to brag about down there and as “size matters” at least to guys… and sometimes to girls. But okay, let’s say you send off for your magical penis pills, how do you know you’re getting bigger?

I mean do you do before and after pictures like the people in exercise machine/diet/diet pill commercials do? Maybe with one of those stripey walls they use to measure stuff on Mythbusters? I mean I get that that’s more for measuring force or speed than measuring actual length of things, but still… Do you use a tape measure, or something like a child’s growth chart.

“Okay now, dick, we started out at two point zero five inches and we’ll stop measuring when you’re 11 inches.”

Now that wouldn’t be something you’d want on the wall when your mother came for a visit.

When I asked Michael–the only male I actually asked–about measuring he said “How do you know that men don’t already measure?” Remind me never to borrow a ruler from him. And then he said “don’t you think that most guys would be familiar enough with their own to know when it’s growing?” Well, I guess they do handle it a lot, but um… I mean I don’t have a penis so I don’t have a direct comparison, but if it’s like I dunno, boobs, the only way I know whether mine are growing or shrinking is by whether I’m falling out of my bra or not.

Granted I don’t use my boobs to take a leak but if I remember my sex ed right–which it’s been fifteen years so maybe I’m not–but I thought that when Mr. Happy was–well–happy you couldn’t take a leak. And besides it changes–uh–dimensions when it’s happy. So the size it is when you’re just taking a leak is not the size it is when you’re waxing your carrot.

Or maybe he was meaning that guys spend a lot of time polishing their pickles. Somehow I’m beginning to see how people might not want to know.

… And when they say bigger, do they mean thicker? Longer? Both? And is the growth just there or does it only show up when happiness is all around?

Everyone other than Michael who I talked to about it said they didn’t know–and didn’t want to know. I think I may be the only person I know with a truly inquisitive mind…

I mean you can’t unthink a thought. You’re kind of stuck with it once it’s come out. It’s like a really annoying neighbor, it’s just there and bothering you until it decides to go away on it’s own–or until you blow either his or your own brains out. And that’s as my mother says “A permanent solution to a temporary problem.”