But I do have a few things to talk about. Like for instance the fact that my mother keeps sending me political jokes. Unfortunately she gets her political jokes from her father and her friend Ryan who both have political views on the other side of mine. I mean I am not the biggest fan of Obama. (Sorry, but I’m not.) But I’m not a fan of those kinds of jokes no matter who they’re about. Mostly cause I don’t find them funny.

It doesn’t matter, Obama, Dubya, Clinton, Kennedy, Lincoln, Adams, that guy who died in the bath tub. It’s not that I think that presidents are sacred and should be above being made fun of. It’s just most of the jokes that I have heard about presidents are whiny. Especially those written by their detractors.

Take for instance this one I got from my mom the other day, someone actually bastardized Green Eggs and Ham to be anti-Obama. Sure, why don’t we just whine about the president and his liberal-socialist-commie agenda not to mention ruining Green Eggs and Ham for people, rather than, you know, working to change things. So you don’t like Obama’s politics, do something.

But the thing I think irritates me most is this: Obama probably wouldn’t have gotten elected if it hadn’t been for George W. Bush. And Bush probably wouldn’t have gotten elected if not for Bill Clinton, Clinton for Bush, Bush for Reagan, Reagan for Carter and so on and so on and so on. And even Washington wouldn’t have been elected if not for King George, so really, politics are very reactionary.

I’m not convinced that the country would be any better if John McCain had been elected and until you can prove to me with cold hard facts that it would, I would just as soon not hear about it… Bitch that may make me.

I think the last time the US had a good political climate we’d just descended into an ice age, everything with moderate intelligence had fucking died and everything else was just scrambling to keep their fuzzy asses alive. Deal with it!

Now, on the one hand this is me and my view on the world, which I am the first to admit is as small minded and bias as anyone else. But at least I admit it.

Maybe, though, I should cut my grandfather some slack after all the man has a terminal disease. He’s gonna die and if whining about Obama gets him through the day, then maybe he should whine, I’m sure that watching everything I had worked for and wanted for my country go down the drain because of what I view as bad policies by the current administration and I was unlikely to survive to see it get better, I’d be grumpy too.

You, however, will never convince me that there isn’t a better way. Really, lay off green eggs and ham…

Was reading an article on Yahoo today about this town in Mississippi that canceled prom because a young woman wanted to come to prom dressed how she wanted to dress and with whom she wanted to come with.

That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? I imagine that most of you who went to prom wanted the same thing. The ability to go to prom with who you wanted and dressed how you wanted to dress.

Oh, ho! But there in lies the rub, this girl is an evil, gay agendaed lesbian! She wants to ruin the morals of everyone around her!

If you agree with the above statement I have one for you from me: Fuck you! Fuck you in the asshole with a big rubber dick then break it off and beat yourself with the rest of it. Of course if you’re so fucking anal as to agree with that… your asshole is probably clenched so tight it’d take the jaws of life to pry the damn thing open.

My god, when will these people learn. How does a girl going to a dance with another girl hurt you? How the fuck does it cause you harm? What is it the haunting fear that someone somewhere might be happy for two seconds because obviously your own life is so miserable you have to escape it by going and ruining everyone else’s!

If you don’t like the idea of girls sleeping with girls then don’t sleep with a girl who sleeps with girls! If you don’t like the idea of guys sleeping with guys, don’t sleep with one of those either! But to tell these people that they have no right to be themselves, that’s wrong!

If I remember my bible correctly it says judge not lest you be judged. By the measure to which you judge others, you too will be judged. And didn’t Jesus, big #1 in your books, say “He without sin shall cast the first stone.”?

Why is it that these people won’t live by the rules that they say are the most important? If the bible is really your go to place for how you should live your life. Why is it that treating others how you want to be treated, not judging people, and loving your neighbor like yourself fall by the wayside, so that people can chase after an agenda that doesn’t follow those things. And the worst part of all of that is: They use that good book, (which how I, personally feel about the Catholic church and a lot of Christian organizations, I feel that it is a good book. Be it the word of God or just the word of some really wise men.) they use that good book as “proof” to further their own agendas.

You wanna know something subversive? It says once: Man shall not lie with man as with woman. It has variations on: love thy neighbor as thyself permeated through the entire book. If the bible really is God’s word, which do you think is more important? Something he said once, or something he made sure to say over and over and over again?

And I went to a prom where homosexuals weren’t allowed to come together, the prom committee, many of whom went to my grandparents’ church, refused to sell tickets to the few people who were openly homosexual in our high school. One of those couples was a pair of dear friends of mine, Nate and Troy. So Sabrina and I bought tickets and Nate went with me and Troy went with Sabby.

And every dance they danced together (cause Nate danced all night and I don’t dance.) was like a finger in the eye of all of those self-righteous pricks.

I will leave you with a thought I read in a political cartoon:

Why are minorities singled out for “special rights”?

… Because they’re singled out for special wrongs…

NOBODY CARES!

Of course I immediately wonder what the hell I did to piss him off. But it turns out that it wasn’t me at all. Apparently there’s a Dateline special on the whole Tiger Woods debacle and he was yelling at the TV that nobody cares. And given my own private poll, 100% agree with that. Nobody cares. (Granted my poll was rather exclusive, considering it was me and Kellie and Juleah, but it’s a poll and I stand by my numbers damn it. Of my friends who are at home on Friday night with nothing better to do than talk to me, which I think reflects a good chunk of the population: Nobody cares!

Really the only place I care much about celebs is on Go Fug, which is like the best celebrity fashion blog ever, the Fug girls are HILARIOUS and there is not better place for your daily dose of celeb nips, sartorial missteps, and heavy sarcasm. If Tiger Woods isn’t wearing a fur stole and a pink tutu while dancing to Miley Cyrus, I couldn’t care less what he’s doing. And as when I see him he’s usually wearing a boring white polo and khakis or slacks, he wouldn’t be much fun to see on Go Fug anyway.

But really, who CARES about who–or for that matter WHAT–Tiger Woods is sleeping with. As Kellie pointed out, he’s a sports star, why do his morals even MATTER? Does sleeping with his wife directly influence his ability to sink difficult puts? Does extra side nookie take yards off a drive? Does molesting underage goats (disclaimer: I have not even heard rumors that Tiger Woods sleeps with goats, of an age or not, this is solely here for the point of effect1)  cause him to slice or hook?

Why does it matter who he’s sleeping with, and where, and when, and for how many jelly beans?! (I dibs the sour apple ones! And the Cold Stone Creamery ones if the beans in question are from Jelly Belly.)

I’m not sleeping with him! I have no intention of sleeping with him. So give me one good reason why I should give a rat’s ass WHO he’s sleeping with or why?

I figure the only people that information is important to is the people who are sleeping with him. As we’ve just established that ain’t me. And even if I were bound and determined to sleep with Tiger Woods (which the closest I’m likely to  ever come is falling asleep with the TV on while the PGA tour is on some other station than the one I’m watching.) I would only start to care about who he’s shagging when it’s very likely I’m next.

His morals do not matter. Sure, he’s yet another squeaky clean celeb (doubly so a squeaky clean BLACK celebrity) who has fallen victim to the the excesses of fame. Which is sad, because I think the world needs more celebs who don’t have sex tapes or mistresses or rape charges or beat up their girlfriends.

But do I think this whole thing is so NOT newsworthy. When Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone would have 15 minutes of fame I don’t think he meant by fucking someone. Go forth, do good things, and if fame comes, okay, great. Don’t go earning yourself a name on your back–or god forbid on a bondage machine–with some guy who earned his celebrity the hard way.

The only thing I think that is the slightest bit amusing about this whole Tiger Woods thing is the mental image, if Mr. Woods were sleeping with goats is the mental image of some newscaster in a pen with goats trying to interview the friends and family of the goat in question:

“And you, sir–er–ma’am you’ve known the goat for how long? Larry, is that a boy goat or a girl goat? Hey! Don’t chew on my microphone! Oh god, what did I just step in? Does my expense account cover getting goat smell out of my suit?! LARRY, get me outta here!”

And on that note, I shall leave you.

1. I do not want to end up on 60 Minutes as someone with inside information on Tiger’s steamy affair with a nubile young goat.

I’m actually really pretty good at the game, I manage to get through the entire game not only before they got pissed at me and left, but with 5 service stars for every character on every level in the game. So like I said: Good mood!

I was grousing to Kellie about how ninjas suck! They can order anything on the menu, everyone else is stuck with the options for that time of day. (eg. If it’s dinner, then the dude or the punk can only order dinner items. Not so with ninjas, they can order breakfast sandwiches and burgers from lunch.) It’s really irritating trying to get B-Rock badly, who has only 2 patience bars, so he gets pissed REALLY quickly, a bowl for his tomato soup and having to fight my way through 3 pancakes, 2 eggs, all the fixings for a chicken sandwich for a ninja who isn’t even on my screen yet.

And you only have one surface to set things down on, so it’s not like you can put together Mr. Ninja’s lunch and just toss it at him when he shows up.

But you really can’t blame clowns for that. Although I’d like to try. I like blaming clowns.

Anyway, I was telling Kellie about how ninjas are annoying, and then I said that clowns are irritating in game too, Clowns order the strangest things. Here’s a list of my favorites

• Bacon with a side of butter
• Lettuce sandwiches (a burger bun and lettuce) and empty fry containers with mustard and ranch dressing in them
• Steak with gravy and whipped cream
• Powdered sugar jelly donuts with melted American singles on top
• Salad with ketchup

And when I’ve complained about this either to my brother (which is actually fairly infrequent) or when he can hear me (much more frequent) Michael tells me these things are not that bad with just a few small changes of most of these could really not be that bad. If you used something like ricotta or marscapone cheese rather than American it’d actually be good on a jelly donut.

Also, you use cream in a lot of pan sauces for steak, like there’s a really simple one that’s just peppercorns, cream and brandy.

Ketchup, as Michael reminds me, is a major ingredient in Russian Dressing, Catalina, and other salad dressings. >_<’

I still maintain that I don’t want a big old dollop of cool whip on my ribeye. Nor do I think that straight up, ketchup is very good on lettuce.  To me, it’s a little like saying you made a pumpkin pie by dumping a can of cooked pumpkin into a pie shell.

When I try to explain this to him, which of course, is a futile endeavor, he tell me that all ketchup is is tomato puree, water, vinegar, sugar and onion powder. And tomatoes are fine on salad. And ketchup is no thicker than ranch dressing. So what’s wrong with ketchup on salad? It’s too sweet, cloying and thick. Sweet dressings like Catalina and honey mustard are usually a lot thinner in consistancy. And tomatoes as in raw tomatoes like you put on a salad are not as sweet as ketchup and the consistency is a lot different.

As I told Kellie, I have never heard of or ever seen someone, when lacking tomatoes for a salad go to the cupboard and haul out a can of tomato paste and cut off a few slices. I have never seen someone pour tomato sauce over a salad or tomato juice either. You never see someone just put a ladle full of marinara sauce over a salad. Tomatoes and herbs are both good on salad, right?

Kellie said I had a good point. Michael is incapable of recognizing that I can have such things. Good points I mean. Here’s the big difference. When I disagree with Michael, I say that we have different opinions. When Michael disagrees with me, he says I’m wrong.

Also pulled out of my brother’s repertoire of “Ways [I am] wrong” this week. I don’t like James Bond. I’m sorry I don’t find Bond that interesting. He’s a “super-spy” which kind of smacks of Mary-Suism right there. And I know, I know, Mary-Sues don’t have faults or complicated back stories or enemies. (Bullshit, that’s not all of what makes a Mary-Sue, being able to do anything and everything, always being in the right place to save the day–and sometimes the girl, though in Bond’s case I will grant not always there, having obvious personality faults ie. misogynism, and yet still being able to get the girls who call you on that into your bed. All very symptomatic of Mary-Suism)

And he said that for all that James Bond is a skirt chaser, he’s fallen in love twice. Neither time he was able to save the girl and she died, but he did fall in love. So fluffing what?! Bella Swan fell in love too, and she’s a Mary-Sue under almost anyone’s definition.

I like Walt Disney movies. Disney, according to Michael su~ucks. They can take a good (I dispute that with him, I find Hamlet pretentious and depressing) play like Hamlet, bastardize it by ripping out all the good parts, replace all the macabre humor with fart jokes,  give it a happy ending and still live with themselves. And the crowning achievement in Disney’s suckatude is Mickey Mouse.

Mickey Mouse is a wimp, he’s a wuss, he just stands under the crapper and gets shit on. Bugs Bunny doesn’t take shit from anybody.

I don’t much care for Paint Your Wagon. Sue me. But Michael thinks I’m ridculous and have no taste. How can I like campy musicals like Disney fluff and not like Paint Your Wagon.

Oh, and I think that Men Who Stare At Goats is WRONG. It’s growing on Michael. I think this proves it is akin to toxic mold and ought to be avoided. (More on that tomorrow, I’m running out of time)

I AM NOT ALWAYS WRONG, BROTHER! If you want to see someone who is always wrong, find a mirror and take a long look, hopefully it won’t crack under the strain of reflecting your hideousness.

Oh, he also is under the deluded impression that he’s cute–and I’m not. What’s he talking about, I’m fucking adorable. *twists knuckle in dimple*

Can you think of one? I can’t. All of the comedians I can think of who are funny are not politically correct. I mean that’s part, I think, of being a comedian, blurring the politically correct line. Tapdancing on all of the “rules” about what we can and can’t say.

George Carlin, HILARIOUS MAN. Politically correct? NOT ON YOUR FUCKING LIFE! I was reading this blog post, which I am not going to justify actually linking to cause the guy came across as a self-righteous prick, anyway he was talking about how Jeff Dunham isn’t funny. I disagree, because I’ve seen several of Jeff Dunham’s comedy specials and the man is funny. But that’s not why the guy comes across as such a dick. My mother has never seen Jeff Dunham and she thought that the guy in the article was taking himself WAY TOO SERIOUSLY.

He does state up-front that ventriloquism is not his thing. Which is okay, I mean there are forms of comedy that aren’t my thing. Fuck, I hate clowns and I’m not too into slapstick. But he gets so self-righteous about the fact that Jeff Dunham’s puppets are “ignorant”. Tell me does this not sound like a man who’s patting himself on the back for being so culturally aware?

“All of whom become unwilling vessels for Dunham’s mind-bogglingly surface, joyless dissections of race, class and cultural relations.”

I mean even if that was all I read I’d think the guy was a dick. Here’s the thing, dude: You can’t go through life without pissing a few people off. I think half the problems we have in the world stem from the fact that we have so wrapped ourselves up in the mummifying tape of political correctness and being inoffensive that we don’t even say things when we should. Sometimes what you DON’T say speaks far louder than what you do.

Now, I realize that I am a little bit full of shit here. Here in my little corner of the net I say whatever it is I want to and my opinion is the one that really counts. So on this guy’s blog he, too, is king. It’s his opinion and like assholes everyone has one of those. But meh, I think this guy’s asshole is clenched a little too tight around his windpipe.

ensuring that we have another pop-cultural dummy to articulate our barely concealed prejudices besides this guy.

Yeah, um, well, first see above, and second, it sounds like you’re just as prejudiced as you’re accusing Mr. Dunham of being. Having the ability to laugh at yourself is a really nice trait, it makes life soo much easier. Like Carlin, (I’m not saying Jeff Dunham is Carlin’s caliber but…) what can make Jeff Dunham funny is the fact that he insults EVERYONE. He uses prejudices for a laugh. But the dirty little secret that’s more an elephant in the room is that we all have prejudices. And not addressing that does not make said prejudices go away.

The analogy that comes to mind is the old cartoon gag where the cartoon character is trying to hide someone else and so he puts a lampshade on his head? Still there, still obviously whomever was being hidden, just now he’s got a frickin’ lampshade on his head.

Let’s take a case in point from Jeff Dunham’s montage of characters: Bubba J

Bubba J is a stereotypical redneck who lives in a trailer with his overweight, toothless wife. He likes beer and Nascar. He’s not too bright. Now if you tone down the over-the-topness of the character, peel away the caricature. I know this guy. I went to high school with a WHOLE class full of that guy.

*sigh* The characters in Jeff Dunham’s routine are not supposed to be realistic, dumbass. They’re caricatures. And before you look at Sweet Daddy Dee and says Oh! My! Gawd! He is soo prejudiced against black people, try unclenching, pulling your head out, and realizing that, like Carlin said: Anything is funny. All you have to do is have something way out of proportion to the rest of the joke.

To finish this rant I would like to add just one thing, I’m stealing this concept from a Penn & Teller’s: Bullshit (the one on profanity). We need to defend those very words and ideas that offend our political values, our social values, our religious values because it’s the only way that people truly have freedom of speech. If we cater to the majority and silence our criticism, our art, our music, our literature, our comedy we have allowed our freedom to be caged.

Well behaved women, as the quote goes, rarely make history.

The guy who wrote the article totally has a right to his opinion and I have the right to navigate away from the blog. Jeff Dunham has a right to his comedy and the guy who wrote the article has the right to turn off his TV… and go fuck himself

Perfectly normal understandable problem. Except EVERY time I try to write something anymore I get stuck part way through. But that’s not what’s unfair. No, no ma’am. What’s unfair is I want to throw off the whole writing gig and become a mime. I’d do almost as much good as a mime as I would, say, as a writer. Considering I’ve not written much other than a few thousand words in two months when I usually put in more than that during a week.

Kellie tells me that when I have an idea, I’ll be able to write. Yeah, sure if I have enough of a mind left to write after all this downtime. I like writing, I find it relaxing, when I’m not writing on something then I’m usually going out of my frickin’ skull!

“But mimes are annoying.” So my dear friend tells me. I’m annoying. But apparently mimes are off the scale annoying. They’re a twenty on a one to ten scale. When I called her on that–that it’s not fair that she can hate mimes and I can’t hate clowns, she countered with she doesn’t “hate” mimes, she merely finds them “extremely annoying”. Sounds close enough to hate for me to generalize.

So I asked her what am I supposed to do with my life if I’m not writing and I’m not allowed to become a mime? Write a Yaoi Doujinshi on Scooby Doo? Because of course what the world needs now is not love, it’s pictures of cartoon characters doing things their creators never intended them to do.

You know what she said?

“Maybe”

See, not fair!

The Stepfather

Okay, I’ll admit: I’m usually against remakes. Sometimes, you know, things are better the second time around, I can’t think of much, but there are a few things. But most of the time: no! I mean I even prefer the Bob Dylan version of All Along The Watchtower, which I think makes me UnAmerican…

So, take one b-movie add 22 years, give it gender reassignment surgery and Voila! You have regurgitated Hollywood crap. I mean the movie was actually based on real life events, but so was Psycho. Was it any better with Vince Vaughn and Anne Heche? I mean Vince Vaughn? Fuck me that would make one fucking ugly chick. Anthony Perkins at least could have been a girl. Vince Vaughn in drag… looks like Vince Vaughn in drag! (Otherwise known as Ass. And not like Elijah Wood’s ass, but like George Wendt’s ass with a tattoo of Liza Minnelli.)

But I digress. The Stepfather, which, yes I have seen, was stupid the first time. Do you REALLY mean to tell me that just because it now stars Penn Bagdley from Gossip Girl it’s going to be a wonderful piece of cinematography that will be cherished and studied for years like Citizen Kane? Somehow I doubt it. Besides half of what made the first one cool was the girl trying to outsmart the homocidal maniac. (Played awesomely–and spookily–by Terry O’Quinn.) If I were a guy, especially one with any kind of musculature, if it turned out my stepfather were a homocidal maniac? I’d like club him with a bat until he stopped moving. Or would a golf club have less wind resistance?

But again, I digress. But he’s a guy, a tiny bit more capable of taking another guy on in an even fight. I mean not that I think girls can’t fight guys, cause they can, but when do you see a girl fighting a guy in a horror movie, usually they just run screaming from him–but then again so do the guys.

I’m reminded of what Germaine said in one episode of Foamy. (Much LOVE for the squirrel!!!) She was talking about horror movie chicks and the clichés about them–and how if a serial killer were out to kill her, she’d kick him in the nuts repeatedly. Or offer to give him a blowjob. As she points out what guy is going to chop the head off a chick who’s sucking his dick? Although in the opening scenes of Disturbing Behavior, Andy Effkins does snap Mary Joe’s neck while she’s sucking him off.

But that’s more cause, um, well, sex makes people go crazy in that movie… And in real life, shall we consider David Parker Ray? I know, I know, I am well aware that I’m nuts. You might be asking yourself: How does she know about all this stuff? Five words: The Internet and Investigation Discovery. (The latter being a TV Channel with a bunch of “freaky” according to my brother shows on it. *thumbs up*) But that’s really not the point here. In most cases I think not running would kind of get the bad guy to leave you alone. And if not, carry around a golf club as my brother often does.

So while I was ranting about the fact that I somehow doubt that this version of the Stepfather would be any better to Juleah and Kellie, I was looking for a book–that I used to own but cannot seem to locate anywhere, apparently it’s out of print or something. And in looking for that I happened to be on a website for all things horror. You know, books, movies, music, etc. And I followed a link about Zombie strippers, kind of figuring I had to be reading things wrong.

Nope! In Chicago sometime this month (just looked again on the 14th) there is going to be this zombie strip show. I kid you not Night of the Stripping Dead. There’s going to be a zombie burlesque show, a zombie pinup pageant, and zombie strippers! *two thumbs up*

WTF?! What is WRONG with people, the last thing I want to see is Zombies taking their clothes off–even if they’re really not zombies but strippers in clear heels and zombie make-up, I don’t wanna see it! Zombies should put more clothes on, usually. With some Zombies the clothes may be the only thing holding the girls on if you know what I mean. And if you do want to see it, please allow me to club you with a golf club until you stop moving.

Normally I have no problems with Zombies or with strippers (not that I really want to see strippers, not my thing, but it doesn’t bother me.) I mean I am all for Zombies, everything–except breakfast–is better with Zombies, well and now strippers. But the two should never go together.

So what does it all mean? I guess it means that some people (movie studios) need to be MORE creative and some people (whoever came up with the idea of Zombie strippers) needs to be a lot less creative.

~Andavri~